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Why You Cannot Beat the Bank Lawyers

Why You Cannot Beat the Bank Lawyers

Lawyers, if you can afford one, will advise you have no hope of winning against the Big Banks. They say a Banks resources are more bottomless than your conviction. Almost all tell you to forget it, go bankrupt and move on with your life.

The Honest Bank - Tuesday, March 13, 2018

But what if you are one of the thousands of people who cannot move on because the issues in dispute have stripped you of life savings and feel you have no other choice? You take on the Bank with as much vigor and energy as a solar burst. You place your trust and life in the hands of court processes that are designed to alienate and intimidate the newcomer. It is akin to a lounge lizard hopping into the ring with a UFC fighter. You are going to get the shit beat out of you but you get in the ring anyway.

When staring into the eyes of the devil reincarnated you panic. The Bank will hire a swat team of lawyers. Their presence during court hearings makes you realise you are fighting not one UFC fighter but multiple simultaneously. It is completely necessary the Bank engages four brains with a combined legal experience spanning at least 100 years to compete against your little brain having mere months of experience and no legal training at all.

This changes the ball game completely. You are no longer in a fighting ring but in a dump truck heading to the nearest crushing depot. At least in a ring there was still the possibility of a lightening strike or sudden food poisoning taking out your opponent.

But even in the dump truck you can see a crack through the tin metal. A slither of blue sky. You focus on it and pray. Suddenly a break. Let’s call it a Public Holiday of sorts. For a moment you are out of the truck with all the possibilities of the Polar Express. After all anything can happen if you believe hard and long enough. You get your game on, producing what can only be described as the ‘Harry Potter’ of Affidavits. You wait for the call from the Bank that they are ‘desperate to settle’. If this is where you are at it is more realistic that you will meet your first extra-terrestrial before that call ever arrives.

Nonetheless, you wait patiently. Suddenly an email from Ditheringdot Law Firm. You know the law firm where they have their own cafe, gym and plunge pool. You look at the email for a while and think about whether you should open it or not. The decision will firmly rest on how sane you need to be for the remainder of the day and how much gin you have left in your fridge.

You remember that bottle of cooking sherry hidden in the back cabinet and realise it is safe to proceed.

‘Dear Ms Foolish,

In response to your Affidavit dated XYZ our client is seeking further information and better particulars under UCPR rule XYZ.

1. Relating to para 12 please explain what did, who did, how did, why did, why not did, should’ve did, whether did is done or done is did.

2. Relating to para 15 please explain the meaning of life, who is Brian, was Brian related to Brian’s step-father, how did Brian’s step-father become your son’s uncle.

3. Relating to para 31 please explain how you managed to unlock the security code to the site, who is your informant, how much did you pay them. When we receive your answers to the above we will be in a position to respond further to the accusations set out in the Affidavit.


Partner of Ditiheringdot Law Firm

You give it your best shot responding to questions that make the bar exam look like a one multiple choice answer test. To the left of you is the UFC fighting ring and to the right the crushing yard.

Patiently you wait for the Polar Express to find you. It does not.

Suddenly you become interested in free online tarot card readings. You ask one question and that question is ‘will I beat the Bank?’. The response inevitably is ‘success is written into your destiny but is not fate yet’. You fold the reading away into your secret weapons box. Perhaps later you can drag it out.

Several months down the track after traveling via Train, Plane and Automobile to your nearest Supreme Court you get in front of a Registrar for a Directions Hearing. These hearings are designed by the courts to ensure cases are progressing to a hearing stage. During these hearings the Banks legal swat team will seek to give you as little time as possible in which to gather evidence. They’ll seek guillotine orders to stop you from putting more evidence on after that date without leave. On the flip side they will have months to respond because ‘Banks are big firms and big firms have big processes taking big long time’. You notice all of a sudden you’re on prison time while the Bank is on Bali time.

Meanwhile information you have asked the Bank to supply suddenly goes missing, drops off the system, is lost due to human error, or is sprayed so liberally with disinfectant it no longer looks real. The remaining useful information is blacked out resembling a CIA report into alien encounters obtained under an FOI request. You prey for the Men in Black to intervene with some magic solution.

You suddenly realise prying information from out of the dark cover of ‘Privilege’ is as likely as the Breaking Bad series never ending. As much as you want it to never end it does. You cry until you fall asleep.

You push on despite your inability to successfully pry evidence from the Bank that will prove your case against the Bank. Your case now resembles the reality of trekking Everest without Sherpa’s or Oxygen.

It is sometime before you realise your predicament. The lack of O2 makes you think the Bank has access to your thoughts via a special portal they installed inside your brain. You remember loving that movie Being John Malkovich.

Not long after you start to question your own sanity. Rather than God, you now start yellow paging psychiatrists. You still cannot complete your evidence for the only way to do this would be to engage The

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to infiltrate the Banks computer systems and she is just nowhere to be found.

This brings me back to the Simpsons and the image of Homer being smacked between a rock and a hard place. Inevitably this is where all people who take on a Big Bank end up. This is your only fate. You morph from an aggrieved customer fighting for justice into a cartoon character caught in a no win situation.

Meanwhile the legal swat team from Ditiheringdot Law Firm are quietly arranging the execution of your case slipping in a Summary Judgement / Claim Strike Out while you are caught in a Simpson’s episode.

When you rock up for the Law and Order session you look like you have been just found after surviving 27 years in a Siberian forest. When asked why you have failed to adhere to the Evidence timetable you point at Ditheringdot Law Firm Swat Team cry like a baby and tell the Judge/ Registrar they refuse to give you what you need. ‘It’s their fault!!!’ you scream remembering that worked once when you were five years old.

Swat team maintains professionalism at all time giving the Judge / Registrar a sympathetic shrug explaining that ‘under no circumstances would the Bank deny Ms Foolish the information sought if it was in fact in the banks control of such information’. Judge / Registrar looks at Ms Foolish, clothes crumpled, hair knotted, wild searing hissing sounds emanating from her.

Judge / Registrar then looks over at Swat team, smooth suits, botox brows, fake tan, white teeth. ‘I’ll consider the position of the parties over the Christmas break and we will resume at the next directions meeting in 12 weeks time’. Proceedings are adjourned until then.

And so the merry go round continues.

Natasha Keys
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
This article was first published by The Honest Bank
Last modified onWednesday, 14 March 2018 22:57


  • Ford
    Ford Sunday, 23 June 2019 13:37 Comment Link

    That's right no one will be compensated. In NZ we are trying to have a royal commission done here, it won't do any good though. The banks here are just as corrupt as in Australia

  • Lena Anderson
    Lena Anderson Thursday, 21 June 2018 10:00 Comment Link

    Natasha, you've just written my life for the past 4 years. I've made it to to Court of Appeal representing myself against Westpac and a judgment is expected soon. The dispute arose when Westpac paid over $22k from the principal in my mortgage account (so really $116k inc $95k interest which I would have to pay again to pay off my mortgage) to a third party (lawyer) for a fraudulent claim. Westpac's position has been that (a) it has the right to make such payments "at any time" and is not bound by the contractual clause that requires it to "first ask" and (b) that it has authority over the customer to decide how and who sells a customer's property. I'm sure this will be news to the millions of Westpac, Bank of Melbourne and St George customers affected. It is totally bonkers. The only reason the bank pursued this idiocy is because to these people, a middle aged woman from Melbourne's northern suburbs, is a voiceless nobody, and of course its confidence that the courts will blindly accept everything its lawyers put before it (the courts are grossly biased against self represented litigants). No compensation will ever be enough to repay me for the life I've lost and the stress I've suffered. But I intend to hold every single last one of them to account, including the Chairman, Lindsay Maxstead, who is well aware of this case. Naming and shaming is the only real way to improve things and I don't need the court for that. Look out for my upcoming book "The Anderson Matter". It's a rivetting story.

  • Southern Food Management Pty Ltd
    Southern Food Management Pty Ltd Friday, 15 June 2018 00:53 Comment Link

    Apparently I got done in on compensation, losses and damages by the CBA due to a 1930 odd precedent that directs the courts to throw out all claims against the banks as no one has the right to demand money from the banks, even when I won the case against the clearance time scam as the fees were declared "illegal and penalties" (which I think may have created the GFC) and the CBA bank had to return all fees and charges together with interest of over thirty thousand dollars for bouncing suppliers payments while in credit balance arguing the clearance time allowed them too commit fraud, but there is no prove of damages was the reply from the legal system?
    Resilient I am.........

  • Mary
    Mary Saturday, 12 May 2018 03:50 Comment Link

    You've just written about me, Ms Foolish

  • Tony
    Tony Tuesday, 08 May 2018 03:24 Comment Link

    So no matter how much dirt the RC digs up the banks will continue on their merry way while the mum and dad victims look for a dryer place to sleep tonight, and no idea where their next meal will come from.


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